Things That Confuse Me
1. Sheryl Crow - I don't get why everyone is so fawny over her. She looks like a rotisserie chicken and sings things in her songs like "Good is good and bad is bad." And everyone's like, "Ooh, she writes all her songs herself and can play three chords on the guitar. She's so talented!"
2. Breakfast burritos - "I am so hungover I might projectile vomit at any moment and I already feel as I have been doused with grease from head to toe but you're right, what I should eat right now is every heartburn-inducing food humans have so far discovered, served in tubular form and taking approximately 5.8 seconds to consume. Extra grease, please."
3. How the hell my stepdad can watch the entire NBA finals series and then disparage me for watching "crap" on t.v. - Like, oh, "True Hollywood Story" is crap but 7-foot-tall black men wearing squeaky shoes and chasing pebbled leather around on hardwood is quality programming.
4. Sombreros - Besides the fact that they instantly make any party more festive, I don't see the use. Sure, they provide shade for you, your shoulders, and ten of your closest friends, but still. . .I mean, they're so weird looking. And why the dance?
5. All the humping dogs do - I mean, girl dogs humping boy dogs and boy dogs humping my leg - which, last time I checked, didn't resemble a dog's ass THAT MUCH - it's humping every which way. There are some evolutionary instincts miswired there, I think.
6. Why, in Spanish, the words for "spouse" and "handcuffs" are the same - No, wait, that was supposed to go on the "Things I don't understand but am totally okay with not understanding" list.
7. People that like Bill O'Reilly - He's so mean. Who likes mean, yelling, wrinkled right-wing people who interrupt all the time? Who seriously turns on the t.v. and is like, "Sweet, Bill O'Reilly's on. It makes me happy to watch wrinkly white men browbeat perfectly nice people. Interrupting is da bomb!"
8. People who say "da bomb" - Don't you watch MTV? Da bomb is, like, so two years ago.
9. Non-funny movies - I mean, people have to know they're not funny. Someone who saw that movie before it was released had to notice it wasn't funny. So, why bother? Is the money really worth the ridicule and groaning and death threats?
10. Waking up at 6 am - My stepdad gets up around that time, and I think it's against nature. This morning, I heard an owl hooting as he was making his coffee. (My stepdad was making coffee, not the owl.) AN OWL. In case you haven't been watching your Animal Planet, owls are nocturnal. Nocturnal means only active at night. So, an owl hooting means IT'S NIGHTTIME. Nighttime means SLEEPING. Humans are not meant to wake up in the nighttime. GO TO SLEEP, YOU CRAZY AWAKE NON-SLEEPERS! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND AWAKE AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT, YOU KNOW!!
P.S. You might have noticed that this post was written at 9 o'clock on a Friday night. I want you to know that isn't because I'm a pathetic loser with nothing to do on a Friday night. It's because I have no friends.
P.P.S I'm going to start posting a daily photo. I'm doing this for three reasons: 1) J'adore my digital camera. 2)I have too much time on my hands. 3)I'm a big copycatting copycat. Original ideas? Who needs original ideas when you have the Doocer? Here's the link to today's; Laura's First Daily Photo. Guess who it's of?
2. Breakfast burritos - "I am so hungover I might projectile vomit at any moment and I already feel as I have been doused with grease from head to toe but you're right, what I should eat right now is every heartburn-inducing food humans have so far discovered, served in tubular form and taking approximately 5.8 seconds to consume. Extra grease, please."
3. How the hell my stepdad can watch the entire NBA finals series and then disparage me for watching "crap" on t.v. - Like, oh, "True Hollywood Story" is crap but 7-foot-tall black men wearing squeaky shoes and chasing pebbled leather around on hardwood is quality programming.
4. Sombreros - Besides the fact that they instantly make any party more festive, I don't see the use. Sure, they provide shade for you, your shoulders, and ten of your closest friends, but still. . .I mean, they're so weird looking. And why the dance?
5. All the humping dogs do - I mean, girl dogs humping boy dogs and boy dogs humping my leg - which, last time I checked, didn't resemble a dog's ass THAT MUCH - it's humping every which way. There are some evolutionary instincts miswired there, I think.
6. Why, in Spanish, the words for "spouse" and "handcuffs" are the same - No, wait, that was supposed to go on the "Things I don't understand but am totally okay with not understanding" list.
7. People that like Bill O'Reilly - He's so mean. Who likes mean, yelling, wrinkled right-wing people who interrupt all the time? Who seriously turns on the t.v. and is like, "Sweet, Bill O'Reilly's on. It makes me happy to watch wrinkly white men browbeat perfectly nice people. Interrupting is da bomb!"
8. People who say "da bomb" - Don't you watch MTV? Da bomb is, like, so two years ago.
9. Non-funny movies - I mean, people have to know they're not funny. Someone who saw that movie before it was released had to notice it wasn't funny. So, why bother? Is the money really worth the ridicule and groaning and death threats?
10. Waking up at 6 am - My stepdad gets up around that time, and I think it's against nature. This morning, I heard an owl hooting as he was making his coffee. (My stepdad was making coffee, not the owl.) AN OWL. In case you haven't been watching your Animal Planet, owls are nocturnal. Nocturnal means only active at night. So, an owl hooting means IT'S NIGHTTIME. Nighttime means SLEEPING. Humans are not meant to wake up in the nighttime. GO TO SLEEP, YOU CRAZY AWAKE NON-SLEEPERS! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND AWAKE AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT, YOU KNOW!!
P.S. You might have noticed that this post was written at 9 o'clock on a Friday night. I want you to know that isn't because I'm a pathetic loser with nothing to do on a Friday night. It's because I have no friends.
P.P.S I'm going to start posting a daily photo. I'm doing this for three reasons: 1) J'adore my digital camera. 2)I have too much time on my hands. 3)I'm a big copycatting copycat. Original ideas? Who needs original ideas when you have the Doocer? Here's the link to today's; Laura's First Daily Photo. Guess who it's of?
posted by Laura at
9:05 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home